Where Does My Hope Come From?

This past experience in Namibia was ofcourse another kick in the butt.  I need those quite often.  I went into this trip with few expectations, eager to see what God had planned.  I was a bit apprehensive about going to Arandis, but I was ready to discover what so many people have come to love about the small mining town.  I was really scared of the possibility of going into the highschool.  We did this in 2002 and I really hated it… I have never been a big fan of getting up in front of people let alone sharing my story.

I received a text message from Dieter while we were in Johannesburg that stated that he was praying that God would reveal to me how much He loves me.  I had a bit of an eye roll moment because lately I have really felt loved in life and had figured that my heart was catching up to my head… the fact that I know in my head that God loves me and has the best intentions for me and I’ve begun to truly feel it in my heart.  The first few days were pretty laidback.  We stayed at Dieter’s and I had a moment where God really reminded me that my first option should always be to pray (I will put the blog link here to avoid typing it all again).  It was really a cool moment & at the time the only ones that knew were Kevin & I… & Mike a bit…

On Saturday we traveled to Arandis… the moment of arrival things just seemed chaotic.  Someone had gotten sick in Darin’s combie, we were figuring out how to fit 20 people into a 3 bedroom house, there was some whining & complaining going on… so I decided that I was just going to go into the kitchen & start to put away groceries and let everyone one else figure out where they were going and I would just take what’s left (Jackie had my back on that one).  Dinner was cooked and I was feeling overwhelmed… more than ever.  I went outside to sit on the back step and I was feeling quite inadequate and really unloved.  I was also feeling like I had no idea why I was in Arandis and I was just praying that God would bring clarity to why I was to in Arandis, what He wants me to do over the next year, and why I was feeling so unloved and like I can never measure up… you know… the simple things… 🙂  And to top it all off I was feeling really trapped, girls are not to go out by themselves in Arandis.  I’ve always been pretty self-sufficient and this was a foriegn concept for me… and still is.  So, I spent the rest of the evening wallowing in my brain, which is NEVER a good thing.  When I begin to feel that I can’t measure up and I feel unloved I have this defense mechanism… it’s called being a bitch (I think that’s a technical term)… if I keep people out, I can’t get hurt and those that have hurt me in the first place, well… they need to come to me to solve the issue… because then I may feel that they care.

The next morning it was time for church… I was still wallowing in my brain… and praying for clarity.  That morning Pastor Tresford preached on Ephesians 2 and I immediately thought that this was it… he was going to mention Ephesians 3:14-21, which has become sort of a fleece in my life since 2004.  Immediately I sensed God was telling me that he was not going to mention the verse, that I already know what He wants me to do, why do I continue to ask for clarity about it…???  Just keep moving forward… but of course I begged and of course… it didn’t happen.  What Tresford did preach was a message of where do we find our worth? in other people or in God… and I clearly have been looking for my worth from those around me.  Always trying to please people and anticipate their needs… and there are those people that I can never please and if I do… well, that’s what I am supposed to do, but if I don’t… well, they will be sure to let me know.

After the service we went back to the house to change, eat lunch & have a meeting before we were to head off to Swakopmund.  During the meeting we were told the different options of things to do for the week.  Brenda went through talking about the preschool and the primary school.  Then Bonafice got up and started talking about going into the highschool to talk about dating & sex.  Immediately I knew that this is what God had me here to do, now remember I stated that going into the highschool was the thing I feared the most (I know… that was a long time ago… maybe 400 words :-)).  But my fear dissapated & I knew that is why I was in Arandis.  My heart really breaks for kids today in regards to this subject.  For over a year now I have been reading up on teen culture in regards to living in a sex-saturated world & my friend Jodi & I had a girls group that talked on the subject & I plan to have more.  I even thought about bringing some of the books to Namibia, but decided that I had no room in my bag and that if for some reason I needed the information, I would remember it… As soon as I mentioned that this is what I wanted to do a remark was made that didn’t hurt my feelings (though some might’ve thought it did), but it felt like the person was trying to take away what I knew God had me there to do.  I immediately thought of that morning’s message and how people may cut me down, but I need to find my worth in God.  I think the part that hurt so much is that they didn’t see it… and I still don’t think they do or care enough to.

ANYWAY… from there we went to the coast.  I was feeling pretty crappy still, but psyched about the week.  I was still feeling pretty trapped, like I was never going to have a moment to myself (which was true).  When we got to the coast I suggested that I would go to the store to pick up some supplies that we needed… ah-ha!  A moment alone!!!  nope… Darin asked if anyone wanted to go to the store with me so I had a car load.  We went from there to the dunes and I was suddenly realizing that this may be the only time to myself.  I found a place half way up and sat to watch the sunset.  I was thankful that God made it clear what I was to do for the week.  I was still feeling unloved and inadequate, but not worrying so much about not being able to please people.  I was enjoying the view and thinking about what would lay ahead.  Finally the magnificent sun set… it pretty much disappeared in mid air due to the haze off the ocean. 

On the way down I prayed that God would let me find a cool rock… I like rocks & pick up cool ones often… I bent over & in that moment God showed me how much He loves me… 

“And on the way down I saw You and You saved me from myself. And I won’t forget the way You loved me. On the way down almost fell right through but I held onto You. I’ve been wondering why It’s only me. Have You always been inside waiting to breathe? It’s alright, sunlight on my face. I wake up and yeah, I’m alive!”
~Ryan Cabrera

phew… more on the rest of the week soon…