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Over Thinking… December 29, 2006

Posted by G in mindless ramblings.
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So, my mind has been spinning about the Nelson Mandela quote that I put in a previous post… I’ll throw it in here so you don’t have to look back:

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.  Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.  It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us.  We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented and fabulous?  Actually, who are you not to be?  You are a child of God.  Your playing small doesn’t serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you.”  ~Nelson Mandela

I hope people don’t think that I am shallow… wanting others to feel insecure… that is not what hit me from the quote at all.  I often feel inadequate like I am never good enough… like no one could ever love me… and sometimes even that God doesn’t love me.  And I also fear it… being loved…  I remember a conversation I had once with a friend of mine about the topic of relationships.  He stated that he was afraid of relationship because he didn’t want to hurt someone… I stated that I was afraid because I didn’t want to be hurt.  I’ll never forget the look of horror on his face after I said that… It was as if I was the most selfish person in the world… maybe that’s another reason I tend to bottle up my thoughts… in fact… he actually told me that was selfish thinking…  ugh… memories flooding back… grrr…..  but we all have different baggage that makes us who we are, so I can understand how we have different reactions to the same topic and I am happy to say that he has gotten past his fear… and as for me, well, I am still living with mine… but I am feeling more hopeful of overcoming it.

Back to the quote and how it affects me…  I have struggled with weight issues my entire life and I have no idea what life is like to be thin.  I just know that I have been well informed by men I love and trust (a couple older/married/mentor guys) that when I do succomb to complete obedience “men will be knocking down my door”… and it appears that when I do start down the road I do get more attention and it scares that crap out of me (back to that baggage) and I go back to my previous habits.  So, the Mandela quote was a sign of hope for me… because I do sabotage myself…   because I am not trusting God to pull me through… to guide my choices.  When speaking to another friend about my fear he told me “Just because someone shows interest in you doesn’t mean anything, all you have to do is say no.”  Why does that scare me the most??  My response was “I’d rather not have to…”  but truly… I am a child of God and who am I glorifiying if I choose to live as I have been??  Living as a creature of comfort and habit??  Instead of devoting my entire self to His will??

“Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.” ~Romans 12:1 

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Comments»

1. LeAnne - December 30, 2006

You said in your post “…that when I do succomb to complete obedience…”

Do any of us really ever become completely obedient? If we did, we wouldn’t need Jesus. I mean, I understand what your saying, but at the time while we strive for it, we can’t really get there… not on our own and not in this life.

2. germaine - December 30, 2006

ahhh… true statement… and there always will be an ups and downs scale, but I think that I over spoke… I meant on the particular issues regarding my health… I know that I will always have a selfish heart and all… and I know that I am inadequate… but I do need to succomb to an obedient heart, living only to glorify God… does that clarify what I was trying to convey???

3. LeAnne - December 30, 2006

yes, and I knew what you were trying to say, i just wanted to make sure you knew what you were trying to say… yeah.. more cough medicine and to bed I go… 🙂 I just put a thing up on my blog… it’s been such a long few days…


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